On Being Invisible

Today I wanna talk about something that I've thought a lot about as I creep through my 40's. Hmmm. Perhaps "creep" is the wrong verb. Maybe I'd feel better if I were strutting through my 40's. Not to get sidetracked and turn this into a semantic issue or anything.... but aging.. when it's not driving us all bananas (what with the creaks and the sagging and all the other stuff that comes with it), well there are some shiny bits to consider along with the cruddy ones. The topic of aging has come up a couple of times recently in conversation and I thought I'd expound a bit on an earlier post I wrote about the vilification of aging.

I was never one who banked on her looks. I just never had that kind of cachet. I was plump and a bit geeky looking. So I sort of spent my youth developing my brain and a sense of humour. And working up the courage to wear cocktail dresses with Doc Martens. And trying to duck the kind of all consuming paranoia that comes with being young and insecure.

Do you remember the paranoia that comes with being 15 or 16? You know the scene: you're walking down the street and suddenly you notice a group of teenagers. They are very cool. You recognize this particular flavour of cool because you are not like them. Not. One. Bit. Nope - YOU are awkward and have a bad hair cut, a terrible body image and tinted aviator glasses. The group laughs. You blush and pop into a sweat because you are PRETTY CERTAIN they are laughing at you. You become uncomfortable and want to cross the street, but wouldn't that make your fear and insecurity even more obvious THAN IT ALREADY IS? So you white knuckle it and attempt to breeze on by them. It is hard. Breezing is not something you do well (unless it's in a revenge fantasy.....) You would give ANYTHING to have this moment be over.

And then, you're in your 40's. You are still plump and geeky. But you have come to understand that there are SO MANY THINGS IN LIFE that are more important than not looking like a super model! And about 75% of the time, you are so comfortable in your skin. You don't really GIVE a rat's ass about all that other stuff (except for 25% of the time when, despite all efforts, you succumb to the GRAND NARRATIVE served up by the media and realize that you do not resemble the heroine of this narrative in any way, shape or form.)

Something else happens when you hit your 40's - suddenly, you are vested with a super power!!! Yes!! You become INVISIBLE to most of the world. Maybe this sounds negative, but I have to tell you that it is KIND OF LIBERATING!!! Maybe it's harder for women who WERE able to leverage their looks, but for most of us, the invisibility thing is a breath of fresh air. At least it is for me. I know that I could SERIOUSLY go out wearing my pj bottoms (the ones with the teddy bear astronauts on them), and no one would give me a second look. And I gotta say. I like it! Violet Parr from The Incredibles: you never knew how good you had it!

So now when I see young women struggling in public spaces, I just wanna go over and give them a hug and tell them "there there - this will all end soon. And THEN you can look forward to the aging... and even though you'll get creaky and sprout chin whiskers, YOU TOO WILL BE INVISIBLE. You will finally have that secret super power you've always longed for. And let me tell you little sister - it is so very liberating."

In the age of BOTOX

We have completely lost our grasp on reality. We no longer have any real idea of what "age" looks like. I was looking at a photo of an older female performer that a work mate posted and realized that I had absolutely NO idea how old she was by looking at the photograph. She could be 55. She could be 75.

Then I think about my new acquisition - and wonder if I'm just part of the problem? And another thing - What's really behind the fact that I only list my age as 40-something when I am closer to 50 than I am to 40? (and why did I just shriek a little when I typed that?)

Why is aging so vilified? Wasn't there a time when we respected our elders?

When I was younger, I used to offhandedly say things like: "when I get old, I'm going to cherish my wrinkles". (So why do I moisturize twice a day - not content with cheap-o lotions and potions, but reaching for the slightly pricier items on the shelf?). When I was younger, I used to announce to the world that "I'm working hard for my grey hairs!" (So why do I shell out money to have that grey turned into a much more palatable shade of brown?) When I was younger and made these naive pronouncements, The Mums would heartily roll her eyes. Now, I think I understand why....

So. Have I become part of the problem?

How about this 49 year old woman? According to England's Daily Mail, she's had multiple surgical procedures and has botox injected into her forehead on a regular basis. Then, she gave her 18 year old daughter Botox treatments. But here's the paradox: when I say things like "holy crow - she looks a lot older than 49", I am inserting myself smack dab into the middle of the vicious circle. What does that even mean?

So if I say that I think this 49 year old woman looks awful, I'm really just feeding into the myth of beauty. The Mums and I have been known to ask each other how we're aging.... (and Mums, if you're reading this, please don't think I'm hinting at Botox injections for Christmas). Again, why are we wasting our time?

Furthermore, would any of us deliberately do something that we thought made us look ridiculous in the eyes of others? Generally, no. (Okay, I did have that brief fling with purple harem pants, and pink suede cowboy boots in the late 80's. But they weren't entirely my fault!)

I went to see a documentary last week called "Ferron: Girl on a Road" about singer-songwriter Ferron. And at one point in the film, she talks about aging (though I'm paraphrasing). She said that one day you look into the mirror and say "well..... I guess this is it".

On the other hand, is it wrong for someone to do everything they can to feel their best? And then, on the other-OTHER hand How did we end up in a world where people feel that desperately clinging onto their youth was even necessary.

I find it kind of heartbreaking.

I guess the real question becomes - how do we stop it?

I'll leave you with this: two photos of me and The Mums. I think she's beautiful. And botox free....

So Mums, maybe the best gift we could ever give each other is the permission to look in the mirror and say "well... I guess this is it". And actually be okay with that....