Friday, August 6, 2010

First Annual Pride Weekend Island Paradise Spelling Bee (or How to Make 3 Grown Women Cry, Pout and Shout)

Recently, Ms. Annie and Ms. Lara went to see the musical "The Putnam County Spelling Bee". And THAT is what inspired our own First Annual Pride Weekend Island Paradise Spelling Bee. Mister Man declared that HE would be the judge and would "administer" the main event. Thank goodness for the interwebs, because he was able to track down the actual Scripps National Spelling Bee website, complete with past spelling bee word lists! Here he is showing the cover page to an excited Ms. Lara.

I guess we all have fantasies and picture ourselves doing momentous things: when cycling, perhaps we're sprinting across the finish line of a stage at the Tour de France; while driving, perhaps we're belting out a tune at the top of our lungs because we're auditioning for American/Canadian/Latvian Idol. In Lara's case, she's always fantasized that she'd be competing in a spelling bee. So it was no surprise to see her earnestly crease her brow and posit questions like: Origin? and then sound it out with one eye on the judge, like a prosecuting lawyer on Law and Order. In any event, here's what transpired:

The Judge. Looking officious but friendly.

The battle begins. Annie and Lara both get some ridiculously easy words:
  • alacrity
  • paucity
  • cow
Okay. They didn't get "cow". I am just bitter because I become cocky and spell too quickly which results in a misplaced "r" in hypochondria. I protest. Loudly. "Come ON", I try to reason. I know how to friggin' spell HYPOCHONDRIA!! The judge threatens to deduct points if I don't put the kibosh on it. I feel oppressed, but I carry on. I then get a string of words that I can't even pronounce (let alone spell). The judge continues to keep score, while consuming beer.

The contestants drink beer and start to become a bit chippy. Lara scores. Annie is a bit miffed.

Lara gloats. Oh how she gloats!

Annie scores. Lara pouts. I am still pouting about stoooopid "hypochondria". The judge threatens to deduct points from Annie and I for interference. Seriously Judge? SERIOUSLY?

We pause for happy hour. Out come the margaritas. NOW we're in trouble!!

Hours have gone by. We are still spelling. We turn around to avoid the sun (though the Judge is sunburned by now - only he doesn't care. Must be something in the water....)

Annie glares.

Clearly Lara is gloating here. She is slamming her hands together in applause. She would pat herself on her own back if her arms were long enough!

Gloat, Lara, gloat. "I can't help it if I'm brilliant". Giggle. Glare, Annie, glare!

Oh NOES!! Mister Judge!! We have driven him to drink.

Things deteriorate. Yes. Annie IS yelling at Lara. Yes. Lara IS giving Annie the finger.

And then, Lara falls into my trap and spells too quickly. She inverts the "s" and "c" in convalescence. She does EXACTLY what I did. She protests. Loudly. Until finally, Mister Man wrestles her to the edge of the dock and THROWS HER IN THE WATER. SPLASH! In go Mister Man and Lara. Bye bye!!

They get out and of course we CONTINUE to spell (and pout and shout and gloat and moan and roll our eyes at the "easy words" when they come up. We spell into the sunset.

Darkness begins to fall. Finally, we all agree that, after dozens of rounds, we're done. Mister Man counts up the points. Annie and I are tied for second place. Lara wins. We all finally relax, glowing with post competition endorphins. We laugh our faces off. What fun!!! Lara is ecstatic......

Until the next morning, when we come upon the "score card". Mister Man is demoted. Clearly he can't count. There was no "second place tie". Lara was not the victor (by a mile). Nay. According to his sophisticated accounting system, ANNIE is the winner!! We shall speak of this no more.

At least, not until the SECOND Annual Pride Weekend Island Paradise Spelling Bee......


  1. I can't figure out if we look super fun or like giant assholes. Or both.

    Also, I must point out that it was Lara and Teri who were threatened with point demotion. I am slandered here.

  2. Lara and Teri were warned at that point, and one point was deducted from Lara for a repeat infraction later in the bee.

  3. Pfffffsssst. I hardly think there is ANY slander in this piece! I speak ONLY the truth!

  4. "later in the bee". this phrase gave me cause to giggle.